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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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It is the morning of November 5, 2008. While the newspaper and media are covering the historic election of an African American president, I am struck by an article written by a columnist in our paper. He had spoken to the mother of a seven year old boy, who shared with him her son’s perspective. To this young boy, the election of a black president was normal; not historic but part of what he now knows as his daily reality. This new definition of “normal” will influence his interactions with others and open his mind to the possibilities of all regardless of race. What does this have to do with psychotherapy? As I think through many of my current cases, I realize that much of my clients’s work has to do with undoing the effects of the intolerance of others. I see it in the reworking of one’s self esteem after an adolescence of being teased or feeling like one doesn’t belong. I see it in the adult who needs to justify their sense of self when their life choices conflict with the values of their family. I see it in my couples who struggle with the differences in defense strategies; each wonders why the other can’t react like they do. If the judgement and anger could be replaced by acceptance and tolerance, the couple could move closer to each other. In the coming weeks and months, try to look at family and friends with a greater level of tolerance. What would be different? Here are some ideas:1. When confronted with a difference of opinion, dig deeper. Wonder why the person holds the opinion they do. Is it substantiated by fact or it is based on a personal experience? Sometimes we find that opinions form to protect people when they are scared or unsure. Try empathy instead.2. Remember that everyone deserves respect, regardless of their opinion. Frequently we dehumanize people whose beliefs conflict with ours because it makes us feel more confident about our own position. Name calling and disrepect does nothing but increase the space between two opinions. Consider difference as an opportunity to learn about another position. If one is confident in their position, an opposing opinion provides another way of thinking about a situation. Religion is a perfect example of this suggestion. A Jewish person can explain their theology and practice to a Catholic person without either needing to renounce their beliefs. In a spirit of tolerance, each could learn from each other and maybe even expand their own spirituality. |
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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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Yesterday I learned that John Edwards had an affair in 2006. Despite the fact that I think it is none of my business and highly inappropriate that I know this information about a stranger’s life, it made me think about many of my clients who are struggling through the aftermath of an affair. Some of these affairs were long term sexually involved relationships while others were emotional affairs which were relatively short term. Either way they breached the trust of the individuals involved and changed the course of the relationship forever. Here are some bits of wisdom that I have learned from couples who have successfully weathered this crisis. Affairs are frequently said to be the result of weakness in the relationship and the fault of both parties. While it is important to look at both partners when analyzing communication, empathy and understanding , it is equally important to understand that the responsibility for the breech of trust lies with the person who crossed the “relational line”. In order for a couple to heal, that person must be truly sorry and committed to taking on the full blast of anger from the hurt party. Much like a death, an affair is perceived by the “victim” as the loss of the relationship that was and often the loss of the idea of the person they thought they married. Because of this, there is no set grieving period. Also, much likein death, feelings vary from denial to anger to sadness to anger and back again. The person who cheated must be willing to tolerate the range and length of the partner’s emotional response. While it may feel like it takes an infinitely long time to heal, if a couple can weather the pain together, it is much better than to ignore it because it WILL come up again if not initially addressed. The offending partner must realize that they need to earn trust back and this only happens through deed and not words over a long period of time. Finally, couples must understand that post affair, their relationship will never be the same. If all goes well, affairs can improve communication, long lying issues can be dealt with in productive ways and the relationship can evolve to new places. One of the most difficult things that I see in couples where there has been an affair but where they are trying to reconcile is that the “victim” feels isolated. Frequently, they keep it a secret because they don’t want friends and family to judge them or their spouse if they stay together. Keeping the secret often takes a toll on people and it is helpful to have the support of friends or even a therapist so that one doesn’t have to hold the secret alone. Despite the challenges, with hard work, sincerity and commitment, couples can weather an affair and create a relationship that is more open and fullfilling. |
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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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I am fighting the urge to write about the usual New Year’s resolutions yet I am struck by how this time of year inspires change and renewal. One of the types of change I see in my practice are clients who come in looking for ways to change their lives now that they are in their 40’s and 50’s. For men, this change is referred to as a midlife crisis and stereotypically includes a new sports care. Women frequently experience the same desire for change as well. Traditionally it has looked very different from that of men, but as women gain more power and take on different roles in our culture, there are more similarities than initially believed. According to Sue Shellenberger: The Breaking Point: How Midlife Crisis is Transforming Today’s Woman , by the age of 50, 36 % of women and 34% of men reported experiencing a turbulent midlife crisis. Men’s crisis are often related to work and career issues. Because men are traditionally more career focused than women, a study by the McArthur Foundation found that 40% of men had fulfilled a special life dream by the age of 50. Often male crisis is related to a failure to achieve a financial or career goal by a certain age. For women, onl y 24% reported fulfilling a special dream in the same study, most likely due to the effects of child rearing. Yet beyond the age of 50, women’s fulfillment levels increase to 36% while men’s decrease to 28%. Why the difference? When women experience their midlife crisis they may be more likely to have both the time and even the financial freedom to make major changes. Women are more likely to change careers to something that they find more altruistic or fulfilling , return to college or pursue sports or travel interests. Men may often hav e the same opportunities but might feel societal pressure to achieve in more traditional career driven pursuits. So what to do with all of this? Whether you are male or female, maybe its time to make a new type of resolution for 2008. Keep the 10 pounds from last year and focus on those special dreams. When you were a kid, what did you want to be? Who do you admire and why? Have you achieved things that you feel are important? What if your achievements look good, ie, money and status but it still feels like something is missing? The survey quoted earlier also asked questions of women aged 60+ (sorry men, they didn’t ask you). The question was, now that your “midlife crisis” is over and you’ve made changes in your life what advice do you have. The only regret that these women expressed was not taking risks and making changes earlier. Take some time in 2008 to remember those childhood dreams and be realistic in whether you are working on fulfilling them. If not take some small steps to hel p you head in that direction. |
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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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The book Broken for You by Stephanie Kallos provides a good example of how one can create purpose and change the course of one’s life no matter what the age. The book is a fictional account of a woman who has a history filled with shame yet when she is diagnosed with a terminal disese, she makes decisions that change the course of the rest of her life and provide her with meaning, friendship and challenge. |
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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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I have recently noticed that there are two distinct ways to deal with the aging process regardless of one’s chronological age or even one’s physical ailments. The primary differentiating factor is one’s attitude. Is life viewed as full of opportunity and hope or is it viewed as a list of disappointments and mistakes? Ironically, how life is viewed has little to do with the actual events. Is there a future orientation and a desire for continued challenge or is there a sense of resolution that the best parts of life are over and there is nothing to look forward to in the future. The reality is that everyone has struggles later in life. Close relatives pass away, there are losses of all kinds including friends, and physical ability. No one can claim to have lived life without numerous experiences of failure and most people have some regrets. Whether you are 30 or 70, you can determine what you do with life’s problems and this becomes more important the older you get. Here are some ways that you can help yourself remain positive, challenged and engaged in life even as your body’s aches and pains increase.Stay active If you’ve always worked and are recently retired, provide some structure to your day. Perhaps it is a lunch with friends, a golf game or a movie but be sure to plan something every day. Frequently older adults with no structure and too much free time begin to think about the past and often the past reminds them of losses. Depression is common in old age and activity helps reduce the chance of it taking hold.Continue to search for purpose in life Think about what is important to you and can give your life meaning. Involvement with grandchildren can be rewarding but as they grow up and become busier,they will be less available. What involvement can fulfill your needs? Maybe a church committee, volunteering for a local food bank or even offering to read with children at a local school. Think about what you can do for others versus what you can no longer do. How can you contribute to society while also getting some spiritual rewards?Continue to challenge your mind If you can travel, take trips to places you have always wanted to visit and do some research before you go. If you are less mobile, take a trip in your imagination by continuing to read books, newspapers and stay abreast of current events. Try doing puzzles to keep your mind sharp. Take an art class, learn to knit or create something. Now you may have the time to learn to do things that you used to hire others to do.Plan your legacy How do you want to be remembered? Write your life story. Make a scrapbook of old family pictures and label all the relatives that you know that others may not recognize. Create a family tree. If you wish, make a video recording of you telling stories that you want to be sure are passed along to future generations.Maintain old friendships and make new ones Connections with others are life affirming. The reality in older age is that there are losses along the way so begin to be open to meeting younger people and connecting in different ways. Now is the time to begin to create the foundation for aging. All of the suggestions can have relavance regardless of your current age. Remember, you can’t control life’s circumstances but you can control how you react to them. Your attitude is your choice. |
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