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Befriending the Bully- Can it Be Done? |
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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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Izzy Kalman, a Nationally Certified School Psychologist says that the problem with current bullying programs is that they focus on changing the bully. His solution, a website and consultation program focuses on changing the attitudes of the victims so that they won't be bullied again. I learned of Izzy by attending one of his workshops on Anger Control. He has an interesting premise on anger. He validates anger as an evolutionary development that was useful when we lived in nature. Anger served to keep us alive. When we were confronted with an angry response from another creature, we met it with our own anger and this often served to save our life. Things changed when man became civilized and was able to create justice systems and higher levels of authority than every creature for himself. In nature, the rule was Treat Others as They Treat You. In the civilized world, the best rule is the Golden Rule which is Treat Others as You Would Want to Be Treated. He applies this rule to bullying by using role plays.
When a victim responds to insults by fighting back and being defensive, not only does the victim lose and often look silly, but the bully is reinforced and just comes back with more. When Kalman uses the Golden Rule, the victim doesn't take the bait. The victim treats the bully like a friend and uses humor and understanding to diffuse the bully's attempts. A key part of this strategy is adopting the attitude that the victim won't let the bully make him angry. If the victim isn't "hooked", he looks and feels stronger and less like a victim and the bully loses the fule of watching the victim get angry. This approach is a bit controversial because it focuses on what the victim needs to do to make change happen and most would like the bully to change. This focus is one thing that I like about the theory. In therapy, we can only change ourselves and this especially applies to bullies. If the victim tells the school can exert some control but really cannot prevent behaviors off school time. If the victim chooses to react differently this can be effective 100% of the time. Not only can the bullying stop, but the victim can feel empowered. Take a look at the website: www.Bulllies2Buddies.com and let me know what you think. |
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