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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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It is the morning of November 5, 2008. While the newspaper and media are covering the historic election of an African American president, I am struck by an article written by a columnist in our paper. He had spoken to the mother of a seven year old boy, who shared with him her son’s perspective. To this young boy, the election of a black president was normal; not historic but part of what he now knows as his daily reality. This new definition of “normal” will influence his interactions with others and open his mind to the possibilities of all regardless of race. What does this have to do with psychotherapy? As I think through many of my current cases, I realize that much of my clients’s work has to do with undoing the effects of the intolerance of others. I see it in the reworking of one’s self esteem after an adolescence of being teased or feeling like one doesn’t belong. I see it in the adult who needs to justify their sense of self when their life choices conflict with the values of their family. I see it in my couples who struggle with the differences in defense strategies; each wonders why the other can’t react like they do. If the judgement and anger could be replaced by acceptance and tolerance, the couple could move closer to each other. In the coming weeks and months, try to look at family and friends with a greater level of tolerance. What would be different? Here are some ideas:1. When confronted with a difference of opinion, dig deeper. Wonder why the person holds the opinion they do. Is it substantiated by fact or it is based on a personal experience? Sometimes we find that opinions form to protect people when they are scared or unsure. Try empathy instead.2. Remember that everyone deserves respect, regardless of their opinion. Frequently we dehumanize people whose beliefs conflict with ours because it makes us feel more confident about our own position. Name calling and disrepect does nothing but increase the space between two opinions. Consider difference as an opportunity to learn about another position. If one is confident in their position, an opposing opinion provides another way of thinking about a situation. Religion is a perfect example of this suggestion. A Jewish person can explain their theology and practice to a Catholic person without either needing to renounce their beliefs. In a spirit of tolerance, each could learn from each other and maybe even expand their own spirituality.
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