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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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An elderly woman in front of you is driving 25 miles per hour as you rush to work. How do you react? Your child spills his drink all over your newly cleaned floor. How do you react? These and many other every day situtations are enough to get some people very angry. Yet others would be unfazed or react calmly. What is the difference between these two types of people and how can the angry reactor modify his behavior? Anger is a secondary emotion that commonly masks other more vulnerable emotions. Feelings like hurt, jealousy, guilt and sadness for some are more easily expressed through anger. Even if the emotion is unstated, it is often easier to feel angry at someone than acknowledge that they hurt your feelings. The problem with anger is that it often gets out of control. If expressed too aggresively it can hurt others and damage relationships. If unexpressed and held in, it can manifest itself physcially through headaches or other somatic symptoms. Also unexpressed anger seems to feed itself and grow and at times may begin to feel like an obsession. So what should we do with our anger? Anger is a normal reaction to many events. It should be validated and recognized but in order to express it in a healthy way, it should be examined. Here are some questions to ask yourself when thinking about your anger. Is my feeling of anger proportionate to its trigger? In other words, do you get just as angry when your kids spill a drink as you do when they talk back to you? If so, you might think about what else is feeding your anger. What do you do when you are angry? Do you throw things, fume silently or attack others? Have relationships been effected by your anger? If there are negative consequences after an an anger filled event it might be worth examining the origins of your anger. What triggers my anger? Is it the little things that push you over the edge? I s there a feeling that triggers anger? For example, do you lash out when you begin to feel vulnerable or guilty. Understanding one’s tirggers is the first step in modifying behavior. How do I feel when I start to get angry? It is easier to calm down when feeling a little angry. If you can begin to notice how your body feels as you begin to get angry, you can use other techniques to calm yourself down before the anger accelerates. What works to calm me down? Pay attention to ways that have worked in the past. Some examples are listening to music, taking a walk or using humor. Anger is a common and complicated emotion. If your anger is negatively impacting important relationships in your life or you are using alcohol or drugs to calm yourself, seek professional help in examining the sources of your anger. |
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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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For yet another fictional book that touches on therapeutic themes, read Jhumpa Lahiri’s novel, The Namesake. It touches on two of the main tasks for adolescents, identity development and differentiation from parents, made all the more difficult by the main character’s struggle with his Indian immigrant parents. How does one form an identity when their live experience is fundamentally different than that of their parents? It also deals with the fine balance of what to keep of family tradition and what to leave behind and the struggle to find that balance. |
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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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One of the greatest challenges in parenting is setting clear, consistent rules for your children. Although the content and consequences vary by age, consistency in enforcement remains crucial regardless of the age of the child. Here are some ideas to help with setting rules that are effective and consequences that are workable for you as a parent to enforce. Know your own rules. This seems obvious, yet how are children to know the rules if you don’t have a clear idea of what is important to you. Some rules are safety issues and are never negotiable, like crossing the street without looking or leaving the home without permission. Other rules set guidelines about how to treat others or family standards. Determine for yourself if your rules involve safety issues or values that you want to impress upon your child. Most parents have rules that fall in both categories. Make a list of rules that are important to you. Make sure that the rules are clear. Define rules by specific behaviors. “Don’t get in trouble” leaves too much room for interpretation by both you and your child. “Treat me with respect” can be equally vague for a teenager. Behavioral requests such as: look at me when I am talking to you, do not begin to talk until I am finished, do not roll your eyes or walk away while I am talking to you are helpful. Have conversations about rules when they are not being broken. Define the rules with your children when you are not angry and when they are open to listening. If you chose, you may even explain why you are setting a rule. Keep in mind that an explanation does not open the rule to negotiation but rather allows for understanding. Discussing a rule prior to its violation allows for clear expectations for the child and consistency in enforcement from the parent. Set clear, simple consequences. These must also be discussed when the rules are set. There may be different levels of consequences. If a child breaks rule X, they might lose TV for a day. Subsequent violation may lead to a loss for a week or grounding (be sure to define what grounding means if you use it). Some safety rules may have more severe consequences on one violation to enforce the importance of the rule. Follow through on the consequences that are set. Without this step, setting rules is a worthless exercise. Help your self in this area by not setting up consequences that limit you. Don’t take away a movie if you want to see it. Determine how you will find support when enforcement is difficult.Parenting isn’t easy but rule setting and enforcement can become easier if you are intentional about your rules and consequences and are clear about how rules will be enforced. |
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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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The Art of Mending, by Elizabeth Berg. This is a bit of a girl’s book, but a wonderful study of family dynamics. One of the highlights is how it dealt with a family secret in a balanced manner that allowed us to see the roles and perspectives of all the roles in the family. There was no single “bad guy” in the family, just a system at work. This is how it often is in families. There might be one person who seems to have “the problem” but everyone in the system contributes in his or her own way. |
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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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Do You Really Want to Change? We’ve all heard the statistics about the likelihood of keeping New Year’s resolutions. Instead of talking about the failure of the New Year’s promise, here is some information about how to make those changes stick. According to Change Theory, there are six steps to making a change. The first is Precontemplation, when you first notice some discomfort with an aspect in your life. The second is Contemplation. In this stage, the problem becomes something that takes up some mental space. Many people are in the contemplation stage for weight loss after the holidays. The ads on TV and extra pounds begin to focus our attention on this topic. Those who are serious about changing, might move into the Preparation and Planning stage where they would come up with a plan, like joining Weight Watchers or setting a goal. They might also tell someone so that they had some accountability. Now it is time for Action. This involves really taking the plan and doing it. Setting goals is helpful, so that there is a target to work toward. Make sure that goals are specific, measurable and attainable, like 10 lbs by April 1. An unrealistic target can contribute to failure. Once a goal is reached, the next phase is Maintenance, where the change becomes more than an exercise but rather incorporated into the daily lifestyle. Finally, once this goal is achieved, proceed to the Termination phase to celebrate your victory. Weight was used a today’s example but this process can be useful in changing lifestyle habits as well. Think about what you would like to change in your life and set goals. |
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