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Written by Laurie B. Freeman
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Yesterday I learned that John Edwards had an affair in 2006. Despite the fact that I think it is none of my business and highly inappropriate that I know this information about a stranger’s life, it made me think about many of my clients who are struggling through the aftermath of an affair. Some of these affairs were long term sexually involved relationships while others were emotional affairs which were relatively short term. Either way they breached the trust of the individuals involved and changed the course of the relationship forever. Here are some bits of wisdom that I have learned from couples who have successfully weathered this crisis. Affairs are frequently said to be the result of weakness in the relationship and the fault of both parties. While it is important to look at both partners when analyzing communication, empathy and understanding , it is equally important to understand that the responsibility for the breech of trust lies with the person who crossed the “relational line”. In order for a couple to heal, that person must be truly sorry and committed to taking on the full blast of anger from the hurt party. Much like a death, an affair is perceived by the “victim” as the loss of the relationship that was and often the loss of the idea of the person they thought they married. Because of this, there is no set grieving period. Also, much likein death, feelings vary from denial to anger to sadness to anger and back again. The person who cheated must be willing to tolerate the range and length of the partner’s emotional response. While it may feel like it takes an infinitely long time to heal, if a couple can weather the pain together, it is much better than to ignore it because it WILL come up again if not initially addressed. The offending partner must realize that they need to earn trust back and this only happens through deed and not words over a long period of time. Finally, couples must understand that post affair, their relationship will never be the same. If all goes well, affairs can improve communication, long lying issues can be dealt with in productive ways and the relationship can evolve to new places. One of the most difficult things that I see in couples where there has been an affair but where they are trying to reconcile is that the “victim” feels isolated. Frequently, they keep it a secret because they don’t want friends and family to judge them or their spouse if they stay together. Keeping the secret often takes a toll on people and it is helpful to have the support of friends or even a therapist so that one doesn’t have to hold the secret alone. Despite the challenges, with hard work, sincerity and commitment, couples can weather an affair and create a relationship that is more open and fullfilling.
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